I Must've Been Absent That Day...

I just read an article on the Top 10 Careers for Aries, and apparently I totally missed my calling...or did I?

I bet I can find aspects from each of these jobs combined in the role of MOTHER. Don't think so? Read on, read on:

1. Olympic Athlete -- while Stay-At-Home-Mothering may not qualify as an actual Olympic Event (though if Trampolining can be counted, where do we draw the line?), many of the requirements they list fit perfectly into my current job description --
a. Dogged Determination: Potty Training, anyone?
b. Long hours, stress, injuries, early rising: I woke up yesterday at 6 am, went to bed last night around 11:30, then was awakened at 3:40 by two screaming kids; stress doesn't begin to describe all day everyday surrounded by two mpatient needy little beings; you squeeze 2 7- pound babies through your vagina, then talk to me about injuries; early riser? I refer you to my first example.
2. Personal Trainer -- although I take HUGE exception to the fact that they describe us Aries as "obnoxious" (choke on it, folks), I again have found many of the qualities needed to succeed in this field the same qualities needed to be a SAHM:
a. pushy and bossy -- umm, check! No matter how many times Ry tries to insist that I am "not the boss" of her.
b. love of competitiveness -- My kid's closests are full of Gymboree, Gap, and Ralph Lauren. Don't tell me you can't smell the whiff of competition there!
3. Bouncer -- I am laughing so hard, I can hardly type.
a. Breaking up fights -- thanks to the addition of Jax, this has become my new favorite pasttime.
b. Looking Impenetrable -- Just last night I spent 30 minutes blocking the doorway to Ryan's room in an effort to get her to get back in bed. I define "impenetrable".
c. "Aries affinity for really loud music and boisterous patrons will come in handy" -- click here.
4. Prison Warden -- "When faced with a riot, they are not daunted, and a rush of adrenaline takes over. They may have to watch their blood pressure and take anger management courses." Have I mentioned my Prozac prescription lately???
5. Drill Sergeant -- A position of "complete power". There may be some argument in regards to this one, but let's just the recall the age-old saying, "If Mama ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy."
6. Stunt Person -- I'm just going to quote the first sentence in this job description requirement, and move right along: "This job requires a realy crazy person to sign up." There. No explanation needed.
7. Prize Fighter -- Agile, Powerful, Shrewd. Have I ever told you about the time it took 4 grown adults (Myself, Shawn, my Mom and my Dad) to hold Ryan down and remove a splinter from her foot? She was 2. When agility and power can't get the job done, count on the shrew in me to garner any help necessary to tame the beast. Just call me Kate.
8. Fire Chief -- "they have to be sharp, decisive, and able to respond to conditions quickly": It's called IMPROVISATION. A degree in Theatre Arts really should be a pre-req for any SAHM. Luckily, I already got me one of those.
9. Mercenary Soldier -- Okay, I'm rolling now. Tears streaming, knee-slapping, doubled over with laughter.
a. "toughness of mind": As I write this, I'm also balancing my checkbook, mediating bewteen the kids, and folding laundry. Score one for mental toughness.
b. "lack of need for personal safety": If you've ever unbuckled your front-passenger seat belt, crawled into the backseat of the 70 mph moving family car to feed, fetch, or force, you understand.
c. "ability to cope with lack of creature comforts": It's been 2 days since I've showered, and trust me, it's not for lack of want (or need).
10. High School Coach-- Need I remind you of my stint as a Middle School Teacher/Coach? And since when is the task of "forming young minds and bodies" limited strictly to High School? If that's not what I'm doing now, then why the hell am I here??

So maybe you agree with me, maybe you don't. Either way, the top position they definitely missed out on is the one I'm fortunate enough to hold, and lucky for me, the job security on this one is good for at least 18 more years.

CCR, partII

For those of you who know me really really well, you know how much I love love can't say it enough, LOVE CCR (Creedence Clearwater Revival). The fact that I have even used those intials in the title of this post as a nod to Cross Canadian Ragweed should give you a hint as to how much I love their stuff.

Jenny first intro'd me to them a few years ago, and being the condescending Big Sister I am at times known to be, I just smiled and nodded. Years later, this was the very first "country-ish" group my husband ever accepted, and has since left me loving them as well.

We just spent our first real date night in months at their concert, where I blew both my diet and my lenten promise (no alcohol) in honor of these guys.

They are just sooo good, and now I can barely sit still knowing they've got a cruise/concert thing going on this summer. Seeing as how my birthday is just around the corner, any donations toward this endeavor would be great. Or whatever.

Seriously, you need to check these guys out.

Freud Freud Freud, Part II

So here's an update of my "Shawn's Cheating On Me" dreams.

There was a lot of discussion between he and myself regarding the Oscars, and namely, "Brokeback Mountain". I, of course, am dying to see it, he vehemently denies it's worth and shuns its existence with virtuoso.

I'm guessing that's why my nightmare last night involved Shawn leaving the kids and I for Jake Gyllenhal. Just a guess.

FYI

If your trainer ever convinces you to go on an all-day fruit/juice/veggie-only cleansing diet that gives you outrageous gas, try not to schedule it on the same day as your gyno appointment.

Just so ya know...

Freud Freud Freud

So in the past week I've dreamt that Shawn has cheated on me. 3 different nights, 3 different girls. Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, and a 40-yr-old CIA agent.

I've no idea what I should read from this other than the fact that my subconscious obviously thinks hy husband has horrible taste. And you know what that means...

wah wah wah

just venting over being married to a workaholic who, in order to provide us and our kids a lovely home, yummy food, and all that other nonsense, IS NEVER HOME!!!

Yes, I'm lonely, yes, I get bored with conversations revolving solely around Harry Potter, Disney Princesses, or Dora, but mostly, I just miss him.

Welcome to the Club

One of my very dearest and oldest friends has recently become pregnant. Rather than overload her with unwanted advice, I'd like to just send a memo of "talking points" regarding some of the things she can now expect. So here goes:

Chaika, Chaika, Chaika,

My dear girl. Many congrats on your upcoming addition!! There is so much in store for you -- I can't wait to see how you handle it all. For instance...

1. Farting. Get ready to fart your ass off. (If only!) And since you're a teacher, get ready to lie your ass off (if only!), as well. Because if your life is remotely similar to mine (which it's probably not, but you could get lucky), you will inevitably let one slip right about the time one of your darling students walks to the front of the class to ask you a question. Think fast, my dear, and DENY DENY DENY!!!

2. Boobies. Okay, so let's be honest -- neither of us are up for nominations into the itty bitty titty committee, but even so, those babies are gonna SWELL, and though it will likely hurt a bit and get on your every last nerve, enjoy them while they are full, because like Kellie says, once the baby's had a go at them, they're nothing but flapjacks. Seriously, flopping in the wind, hanging to your knees, rolling under your armpits flabby. Just get ready.

3. Boobies, part2. Everywhere you look, you will be urged, begged, pleaded, even guilted into breasfeeding your baby. That's great -- I hope you do and I hope it works wonderfully. But if you try and try, spending hundreds of dollars on "Lactation Consultants" and new-fangled contraptions you have to strap to your body, only to find yourself spending every day trying to feed your screaming baby, pumping when they are asleep, then cooking your bleeding nipples no less than 10 inchs away from a bare light bulb (you know -- to "toughen them up"), all the while praying your kid doesn't wake up anytime soon, because God help you, then they'll want to eat -- don't be afraid to say "FUCK IT". I did, and both my kids are clearly strapping young genuises, so if you can't make it happen, just know that formula is okay too.

4. Feet. Your dogs'll be barking, but that's no surprise, I'm sure. What I'd like to discuss is the effect their scent may have on your OBGYN. This person will most likely be seeing you down there at least once a month, then once a week, and while I'm sure you will be taking care to keep everything "fresh", don't forget your feet. I personally carried a travel-sized bottle of body spray for the sole purpose of freshening my feet before sliding them into the stirrups. Don't think my doc didn't notice, either. She even went so far as to say that she really wished some of her other patients would do the same. I'm just sayin'...

5. Old Navy has really soft, cute, inexpensive maternity panties. Buy them.

6. Multi-tasking. As your friend and admirer, I know that you are quite accomplished at multi-tasking already, but you'd best start brushing up on your skills now, my friend, cause you ain't seen nothing yet. Here's an idea you should feel free to steal: When you've had a bad day and need to relax, but the baby still needs to be bathed, draw yourself a bubble bath and share it with the kid. Sure, it may be luke-warm, and every now and then you may feel a small toe finding its way to your butt-crack, but all in all, it's worth it. Anytime you get a chance to multi-task, jump at the opportunity. There will be plenty of time to relax when the kid goes to college.

7. Sleep. Do it as long and often as you possibly can now. Once that bundle of joy pops out, well, I'll just refer you to #6.

7. Contractions. They hurt. If they offer the drugs, take 'em.

8. Labor. I'm not exactly sure how painful this part is -- I took the drugs. 'Nuff said.

9. Delivery. If you are as vain as I am (and I'm pretty sure you are!), and you have the luxury of being induced, spackle on the make-up. You will be soo glad you did when you get those baby-just-out-of-the-oven pics developed. Trust me -- remeber how bad my pics were after Ry, and how good they were after Jax? I learned my lesson, sweets. If you aren't induced, I recommend plastering on the pretty every day starting from about week 30 on. Just to be safe.

10. Baby. Oh my God, oh my God. You will not believe how much you will love this little life. I know you will hear that from everyone, and they are soo right. Just don't squeeze too hard, that's all I'm sayin'. Oh yeah -- and get ready to cry.

P.S. I know I said I wasn't going to dole out the advice, but I lied. I'm a Mom. We can do that sort of thing "for your own good". Just wait, you'll see.

Love you!!!!

Sweet Jesus, what have I done?

You remember that Friends episode where Rachel gets Monica to make all her decisions for her? Yeah, I coulda used that today.

I approached this trainer at the gym who teaches my kickboxing class with the idea that I would be willing to let him publicly note my progress (pics & all) in exchange for free personal training.

See, I'm an eensy-weency, itty-bitty, teency-tiny, little bit hung up on the whole 30th bday -- there are some things I wanted to have done in my life by that age, so I've actually gotta start stepping it up. This guy is so good that I know I can get there with his help, I just can't afford to pay for it. Great idea, no?

Huh. He's a bit more into the "before" part of it than I'd thought he'd be -- wants me to look as nasty before as possible; you know, for ALL THE PICS.

He doesn't want me to do anything for at least 3 more weeks because of my foot, which he said would actually be a plus; it'll get me a little less in shape. "It'll make the changes more drastic for the photos," he said. Sweet.

"Fine, I'll just go tan so I won't feel so heniously mortified."

"No no!!" he cried. "Don't tan. You want to be pale. If you tan it gives your muscles more definition -- we don't want that." Excellent.
Then he goes, "And no makeup in the pictures either."

Alrighty then.

Never in my life did I think the words "Bachelor" and "Recap" would be used in one of my posts

Shah turned me on to this blog. She has good taste. Seriously.

So much better than Bob Ross...

Check this out.

A Girl After My Own Cheap-Skate Heart

Check out where I'm lurking now. I think this may be my new fave blog -- after this one, that is...

Yep, That's Me

Your Blogging Type is Entertaining and Happy

You are a fun, giving blogger who makes others feel good.You often post things that make your friends smile.At the same time, you expect the same blogging spirit from others.And when it's not returned, you tend to feel a bit hurt.

What's" Your Blogging Personality?

Louis and Cosby and Oprah...oh my!

Hang on...am I being punk'd?

In Her Finnish Shoes

Here's where I'm lurking. I'll be on again at 8, then 10...

I Knew I Rocked For A Reason

Your Celebrity Style Twin is Gwen Stefani

Trendsetting, unique, and stylish.

Who's" Your Celebrity Style Twin?

Tell Me Something I Don't Know...

You Belong in Paris

Stylish and a little sassy, you were meant for Paris.The art, the fashion, the wine, the men!Whether you're enjoying the cafe life or a beautiful park...You'll love living in the most chic place on earth.

What City Do You Belong In?