Here. Right here. This is why I never wanted a girl.

Thanks, Oprah.

So, in an effort to avoid having my baby suck at loving herself the way I did (and sometimes still do), here's my letter to my younger self:

Hey dumbass. Look, life isn't about the way you look, or being the coolest, or having the most. It just isn't.

That unbelievably flat chest you've got? Stop bitching, and please please please stop praying for bigger boobs, 'cause damn girl, Mom was right -- you better be careful what you wish -- you just might get it. In volumes. Stopping your track career short and causing back pain previously unimaginable, garnering you more negative attention that you ever wanted, your endeavor to destroy them with surgery will render you useless in the Mother's Milk department, which actually isn't such a bad thing after all, except for the condescending glares from la leche losers and the fact that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that your poor formula-fed children will be lacking in all developmental areas.

Wait -- what was my point?

Oh, right, the LOOKS thing. Listen, you look the way you do, which though it sucks now, really isn't such a bad thing, seeing as how because you aren't they prettiest, cutest, sexiest, or even really desirable in any way imaginable, you've had to hone your comedic talents, and baby, you got loads in that area. You, of course, don't believe that you are talented, but you might as well be good at something, so let's just go with that one.

Now before you start listing all the ways that you think I'm wrong, I'm just gonna leave you with this last little nugget:

You are going to give birth to an amazing baby girl, who will be strong and beautiful, unique and funny and smart as a whip. She will be a mix of you and your totally hot hubby, your Mom and Dad, your sisters, and all those who helped make you the miserable way you are today. She and her beautiful brother are testaments to the love that was born before you, and will live on long after you are gone. They deserve a mother who loves them enough to love herself, to trust herself enough that she can let go of herself and those issues that will not only destroy her spirit, but may just end up destroying their's as well. And your mom deserves a daughter who appreciates what she was given when she gave life to you, because you are not the first mother to want wonderful things for her daughter, to wish for better than what she had, to vow to do whatever it takes to help her avoid the same heartaches she endured.

Oh, and those loser boys who tease you? Yeah, your future husband is, like 100 times better looking than they are, and can TOTALLY kick their collective asses. Just so ya know.

Now, onto the whole cool thin. Yeah, you just don't have it. No, really. Can't pull it off. But that's okay, cause all the "cool" girls around you? They're really not either. Just embrace your geekiness, love the nerd within, and she will love you right back.

As far as the need to have? Yes, money is nice, but it won't make your issues go away. It won't stop you from making the mistakes you are destined to make, and it certainly won't help you make smarter decisions. You'll value what you have when you have it, and won't miss what you don't. You're better than the money, it is not better than you.

But it would be nice to have a honeymoon, so please don't blow your savings in Vegas. No, really.